Akbar Khan'sScripted UniverseAll collections ←
Akbi's Cultural Obsessions · Collection 01
TV and Movies
Scenes, lines, and performances that have lodged themselves permanently in Akbi's brain.
Jules and Her Therapist
Jules (Courteney Cox) has a therapist, played by guest star Jennifer Aniston. She’s insane (the therapist lol), and Jules’ BFF, Ellie (Christa Miller), senses it right away.
Cross-references: Sitcoms · Cougar Town · Courteney Cox · Jennifer Aniston · Christa Miller
Things I Won’t Accept
Joy the Babysitter
A little Hot in Cleveland audio for the collection.
I Went to My Senior Prom with a Yankee!
Barbara Thorndyke
Akbi on the antisemitic author from The Golden Girls.
Angela Lansbury Wants Her Voice Back
JACK: I do what I do, for I am what I am.
WILL: What’s with the voice?
JACK: I was looking for my character and found this voice.
WILL: Well, Angela Lansbury called and she wants it back.
Amber-Louise
Tough Questions
AMBER-LOUISE: Hey, Jack. I was wondering if we could ask the guests today some really tough questions. Not like bothering them or torturing them or anything. Not that I'm totally opposed to torture. Sometimes it's the only way to get reliable information.
You're Right—That Was Fun. See Ya' Later!
STUART: Stay for a while, Will. It'll be fun.
WILL: [Sits down briefly. Awkward silence.] You're right—that was fun. See ya' later!
Will & Grace: Big Brother
Will tells Grace that Stan and Malcolm have been living under the protection of Big Brother. Grace hears the television show; Will means the government. He corrects her, but she keeps returning to the show, and he has to say it again: the government!
The joke turns twice on the same phrase. Each time Grace thinks she has caught up, Will's increasingly emphatic correction flips the scene back.
And in another moment from the Stan storyline: “Stan's alive. Will saw him!” Will takes a drink at precisely the wrong time.
GRACE: Stan's alive. Will saw him!
Will does a spit-take.
Will & Grace · “No Sex 'n the City”
How Do You Mail a Voice?
SCOTT WOOLEY: Maybe you've been wondering who's been calling your voicemail and...hanging up?
KAREN: “Voice mail?” I don't even know what that is. How do you mail a voice?
Original scene
Akbi's performance
Someone Like Me — Beaches
C.C.: Oh, Hillary—aren't these baby clothes divine?
HILLARY: They are. I'm surprised you're interested in them, though.
C.C.: Why?
HILLARY: I didn't think someone like you would want to have kids. You're so obsessed with your career and all...
C.C.: I am not “obsessed.” And just because I work, doesn't mean I don't want to have kids.
Jack describes a comedy of manners in an episode of Will & Grace, the penultimate comedy of manner and one of my favorite shows ever.
Speaker 1 [00:00:00] I don't know what to do with it now. Oh good, I'm not interrupting anything.
Speaker 2 [00:00:04] I need to make flyers to announce my new side job snide comment from Will, but I let it go because I'll always be younger. Starting tomorrow, I will be augmenting my income as a Lyft driver. Obvious question from Grace. Yes, Grace, you do usually need a car to be a Lyft driver, but Karen's lending me one of hers. Nice compliment from Joe and Larry. I have lost a few pounds. I had a terrible stomach virus of bad peach. I know I didn't know they could go bad either. Bye, you guys.
Will & Grace · Favorite Marilyn moment
The Meddler in the Mini-Robe
Marilyn barges in just as Will gets out of the shower in a microscopic robe. Later, when Will suggests one of his brothers could help untangle her romantic drama, she has a very specific objection:
Transcript excerpt
MARILYN: You mean it's possible to be wearing less than you're wearing right now?
MARILYN: What did you say to that woman?
WILL: Nothing—the truth! I didn't mention you, but I did say Dad was seeing someone.
MARILYN: Oh, Will—that's just great. You've ruined everything.
MARILYN: Oh, your brothers can’t help me—they’re straight! They have no finesse for manipulating the details of petty dramas!
Akbar Khan · Party Girl
Mustafa Being an Asshole
MARY: What is your problem? MUSTAFA: You! You are my big problem. You treat everyone like dogs, you drink too much all night; you walk around the room—talking, talking. MARY: I’m having a good time. Haven’t you ever seen anybody have before? MUSTAFA: And that means you don’t respect the people who help you, who do you a favor? MARY: Lighten up—it’s a party, goddamn it. Fine—I’ll try to be more… MUSTAFA: Why do you always have to try? Why you can never BE?
--“Party Girl,” Screenplay by Daisy Von Scherler Mayer
My Drunk, Useless Arm
Scott Woolley says he’ll give Grace the design job if she fires Karen. Grace’s answer:
“I can’t fire Karen. That would be like cutting off my arm--my drunk, useless arm.”
Party Girl (1995) · Mary played by Parker Posey · Derrick played by Anthony DeSando
Houselifting With Mary Played by Parker Posey
“Mary, I have a reputation. I cannot get caught SHOPlifting.”
“We’re not shoplifting. Is this a shop? No. Do you see any customers? No.”
Will & Grace · Season 6, Episode 19 · “No Sex 'n the City”
Episode written by Steve Gabriel.
Will at
Cooking Class
A perfectly constructed little comedy of misunderstanding: Will mistakes genuine interest for a professional arrangement, detonates the possibility, and then learns that the actual hooker was somebody else entirely.
Fan transcription presented for commentary and appreciation. Will & Grace and its characters belong to their respective rights holders.
ANN: That concludes Soups and Stews for Gay Men and the occasional straight couple. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm going to hand out some of these evaluation forms. I'm supposed to leave the room while you fill them out, but I find I get better results if I stay.
ADAM: So Will, I hope this isn't out of line, but how do you fell about coming back to my place later?
WILL: Oh Adam, I really hope this in't out of the line—are you a filthy whore?
ADAM: What are you talking about?
WILL: Let me tell you something. Will Truman doesn't have to pay for it. Will Truman just goes months and months at a time without it, and then pours all his sexual energy into his embroidery.
JACK: Will, what are you doing?
WILL: I don't know where you found this guy. Couldn't you at least have gotten somebody halfway respectable instead of this piece of rough trade from Skankville?
ADAM: I'm from Montclair, New Jersey.
WILL: Get to a clinic, ho!
ADAM: I don't need this. I may be tall, but I still have feelings.
JACK: What was that?
WILL: Jack…60, 80, 100, I saw you pay him.
JACK: Yeah, for this cute, little anklet I got Stuart! Adam makes them to raise money for diabetes awareness.
WILL: But...but…Stuart said he was thinking about buying me hooker.
JACK: Will, I think about that all the time.
WILL: So, what--I just let a gorgeous, sweet man who makes his own jewelry and was totally into me walk out that door?
STUART: Actually, st first you called him a filthy, stinking ho, told him to get to a clinic, and then he kind of ran away.
Will rushes out to chase after Adam, then rushes back in.
WILL: I promise I'll be back to sponge off my station.
JACK: Oh, Will…to think that he would go to that place.
LARRY: Yeah, what happened to him that he would think that the only way that a guy would be interested in him is if he were being paid.
LARRY: Sad.
JOE: Super sad.
ANN: That's why I got him the hooker! Well, he was bringing the whole class down, you know.
DEBBIE: I think he danced at my bachelorette party.
LARRY: Ours too!
JACK: You two, you got any cash? Stuart? Let's see if we can get them to do stuff!
DON: Maybe my brother is gay.
DEBBIE: Well, what did you think, Don? The man wears Chinese Slippers.
Part one
Part two
Will & Grace · Season 6, Episode 19 · “No Sex 'n the City”
Episode written by Steve Gabriel.
Classic Sitcom Scene Reversals
Wherein—a character insists on one worldview, then at the drop of a hat…reveals his or her adherence to another.
Another reversal: Will & Grace — Big Brother ↗
Will & Grace: Jack, Karen, and Bebe
INT. Coffee Shop – Day
Jack and Karen laugh maniacally.
JACK: Oh, boy, Karen: that was great. Who needs TV when you can have life experiences like that.
KAREN: Right?
JACK: OK, my turn. So, I went to a delicatessen—
KAREN: A delica-what?
JACK: A delicatessen. And after I placed my order, I had realized I had forgotten to say, ‘All white meat turkey.’”
KAREN: Uh-oh!
JACK: Yeah. You know what he said?
KAREN: No—but I bet it’s going to tickle and inform me!
JACK: I went back to the guy and said, “Could you make that all white turkey?”
JACK: He said, “…Sure!”
KAREN: That’s it? That’s your life experience?
JACK: Well, it was a lot better than yours: Rosario’s brother is a political prisoner? BORING!
KAREN: Yours was boring—at least mine was topical.
JACK: Mine had two characters and a twist!
KAREN: What was the twist?
JACK: He said, “Sure!”
KAREN: Jackie, let’s face it: without our shows…we’re nothing.
JACK: I know. It’s so sad. We’ll never be happy again.
KAREN: No…
BEBE NEUWIRTH comes in.
BEBE: Excuse me: did I leave a cell phone here?
JACK and KAREN: Lilliiiiiiiith! We love you Lilith.
BEBE: Thank you, thank you. It’s Bebe.
KAREN: God love ya’, Lilith. You’re so dryyyyy. Your unemotional monotone provides a much-needed balance to Frasier’s neurotic histrionics.
JACK: Plus, you’ve got the body of a 14-year-old Korean gymnast!
BEBE: I get that a lot. Well, it’s always nice to meet fans—especially in a public place with lots of witnesses and clearly-marked exits.
Jack and Karen grab one of Bebe’s arms each.
JACK and KAREN: So, sit down.
JACK: Now, we’ve stood by your show for ten years—
BEBE: …But Frasier’s been on
KAREN: We didn’t care for Season 8.
JACK: How could you end it like this. How could you just walk out on us without an explanation?
BEBE: Ok, you two really need to let you.
KAREN: But we can’t.
BEBE: No. I mean let go. You’re hurting me.
JACK: But how?
BEBE: Look: just move on, OK? I have. There’s more to me than Lilith.
JACK: We’ve never seen it.
KAREN: Come on—talk like Lilith. We hate your real voice.
BEBE: Well, I will if you will! Look, man, you guys are freaks, man. I’m not Lilith—I’m Bebe. I’m an actress. I sing. I’m a Broadway dancer. Look at these pins! You know any 40-year-olds who can wrap their legs around their neck? These babies worked for me before Frasier, they’re going to work for me after. So don’t you were about Lilith.
KAREN: You mean, ‘Bebe.’
BEBE: No, I mean, ‘Lilith’—I want to play that bitch forever.
KAREN: You do?
BEBE: Well…yeah…
JACK: What about your pins.
BEBE: Oh, screw my pins. Frasier is such an easy gig, man. They fly you first-class to Los Angeles, put you up in the Bel Air hotel—per diem, I deliver several lines in a robotic monotone…and I’m buying a new Lexus!
Karen and Jack jump up and down, clapping and cheering.
Will & Grace: Grace and Tom — “Call Me / Don't Call Me”
Another turn in an instant: Grace and Tom reverse course in the same conversation.
Classic Sitcom Moments
The Nanny:
“The Tart with Heart”
Episode written by Frank Lombardi. Jason Alexander guest stars as Jack.
I grew up watching sitcoms (situation comedies)…and then aged 49 years while doing so. I’ve never regretted it. They’re now a part of my DNA. They taught me how to live, love, learn, and…uh…be lascivious? lol
And you know what, readers, sometimes situations ARE comedic. AND maybe some of us need to see problems presented, worked through, and solved in 22 minutes. They’re like a coping mechanism for those people...like me? lol
Transcript for “Tart With Heart” Episode Bar Scene · Akbar Khan
FRAN: Oh, I can’t believe I’m back in the meet market—it’s so sad! I mean, the best years of my life and I’ve spent 90 percent of them--
VAL: --with a guy who kisses you passionately and takes it back; asks to marry you, takes it back; tells you he loves, takes it back--
FRAN: I was going to say, “talking with you, Val!” But thanks for the post-game wrap-up! You know, the reason why he keeps taking it back is because I’m nothing but a pretty plaything to him. I mean, he doesn’t take me seriously! Can I have a Double Apricot Sour, rim it with Sweet-n’-Low? Come on, let’s go get a table before some other yutz tries to pick me up.
JACK: Too late, ladies. I’m Jack. Do you mind if I buy you a drink?
FRAN: Um…do you mind? We really want to be alone…What is it with guys, why do they always think just because you’re at in a singles bar, in a cute top, a tight skirt, and stiletto heels, you’re looking for action.
JACK: And why do women think guys except them to jump into bed every time they try to buy them a drink. Now—potato skins? I’d get you both
FRAN: I don’t think so.
VAL: Speak for yourself. I haven’t had a potato skin in three years. [waves flirtatiously and smiles].
JACK: No, seriously. You sound like a very nice woman. And looks really don’t matter to me.
FRAN: Yeah, right—you’re “only interested in me for my mind—like I haven’t heart that bef--…actually, I’ve never heard that…
JACK: I ordered a drink about ten minutes ago—bartender!
FRAN: It’s sitting right in front of you—what are you blind?
JACK: Yes.
FRAN: A sympathy pick-up? Pretending to be blind just so that you can take home a couple of college girls.
[ME: I guess she means Adult/Continuing Education lolo]
JACK: College girls…forgive me, I’m…I’m very sorry.
FRAN: Val, get a table this could work.
JACK: I’ll drink to that.
[He mistakes a votive candle for his drink, takes a mistake-sip, and almost burns his nose].
FRAN: Watch it! Watch it!
St. Elmo's Fire
Jules Has
a Plan
JULES: And for our soup, Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Barley. How chic.
WENDY: Hi. Hi, Myra. These are my friends, Leslie and Jules. This is Myra.
JULES: Hi, Myra.
LESLIE: Hi.
WENDY: You need some salad.
LESLIE: Uh, how's Howie?
WENDY: Oh, well, I wouldn't say my father's trying to bribe me about it. He did offer me a Chrysler LeBaron convertible if I'd get engaged to him.
JULES: Have you fucked him yet?
LESLIE: Jules? Come on. Not funny!
JULES: Listen, get the car, fuck him, and if you don't like it, break the engagement. And then you can still fuck him. Wendy, I don't want to beat around the bush. We really came here because we're both worried about you.
WENDY: No, Jules, actually that was a scam that Leslie and I worked out because we're worried about you.
JULES: Moi? Okay, so what's up?
LESLIE: We're worried about you and this affair with your boss.
JULES: Forrester? Come on, he's wonderful.
LESLIE: Forrester's married.
JULES: Leslie, this is the '80s. Boff him for a few years, get his job when he gets his hands caught in the vault, become a legend, do a Black Mink ad, get caught in a sex scandal and retire in massive disgrace, write a huge bestseller, and become the fabulous host of my own talk show.
WENDY: Oh, well. Silly of us to worry.
JULES: It really is.
LESLIE: We're also worried about this affair with your boss.
JULES: Forrester? He's helped me so much. I mean, he's come up with so many alternatives for my step-monster's funeral.
WENDY: That's another thing. You seem obsessed with this woman's dying. It's creepy.
JULES: Well, it turns out cremation is just as expensive as the non-torch method. And if I don't come up with a cheaper solution, I'm gonna end up a bag lady. Of course I'll have alligator bags. Oh no! Do you know what? I've got to go. I just remembered I'm supposed to meet Forrester.
LESLIE: Jules, you haven't even touched your food.
JULES: That's okay. I really didn't want any. I'll talk to you guys later. It's been a wonderful talk. It was nice meeting you, Myra. I'll talk to you guys later, okay? I'm sorry I have to go…
WENDY: Oh, God.
LESLIE: I told you.
Will & Grace
What Am I—
Old-Fashioned?
MARILYN: There's a guest room at the top of the stairs if you need to change.
WILL: No, Mom—this is what we're wearing.
MARILYN: Oh—good. You should be comfortable. And what am I—old-fashioned? I don't know, I guess. [Little shimmy.]
The Golden Girls
Pepe Performs
Shylock
Shylock's speech is from William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.
PEPE: To bait fish withal. If it will feed nothing else, it will feed my revenge. He hath disgraced me, and hindered me half a million; laughed at my losses, mocked at my gains, scorned my nation, thwarted my bargains, cooled my friends, heated mine enemies—and what's his reason? I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian, what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christian wrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be by Christian example? Why, revenge. The villainy you teach me, I will execute—and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction.
Showgirls
Nomi: Big Star
Nomi refuses to be sucked in to Zack's hideous version of reality
Polly Outed
NOMI: Where are police?
ZACK: They’re not here.
NOMI: Why the fuck aren’t they here?
ZACK: Because they’re not coming.
NOMI: [Picks up a pay phone and dials 911.]
ZACK: Don’t do it…Polly.
NOMI: How’d you find out?
ZACK: You were busted for disturbing the peace at the Crave Club. Police took your fingerprints.
NOMI: I don’t have to listen to this.
ZACK: Yes! You! Do! [Pushes her into a more private area.] Polly Anne Costell: Your father killed your mother then killed himself. You ran away from a foster home, December 1990. Arrests: Denver soliciting—
NOMI: Stop it!
ZACK: San Jose—Soliciting. Cheyenne—soliciting. Should I read you the rest of ‘em—huh? How about possession of crack cocaine? Assault with a deadly weapon? Tell me something: why did you stop hooking? You had your future pretty well-mapped for yourself.
NOMI: I did what I had to do.
ZACK: Just like you did with Cristal.
NOMI: I’m not a whore.
ZACK: Nah—you’re not. You’re going to be a big star. Your face is going to be up on billboards. You’re going to make a lot of money for the Stardust.
NOMI: You’re not going to let him get away with this.
ZACK: Andrew Carver is at the Paradiso this year. But he might be at the Riviera next year, or the Stardust the year after that. He’s part of a team. So are you.
NOMI: What about Molly?
ZACK: You like her? I’ll make sure he gives her enough money. She can have a dress-shop…Tell me something: what did you charge, hooking?
NOMI: Fifty…a hundred sometimes.
ZACK: You got no self-esteem, baby. You’re a fantastic fuck…
NOMI: [Spits in his face.]
ZACK: I was paying you a compliment.
Dirty Dancing · Screenplay by Eleanor Bergstein
I. Baby Houseman Is the Greatest Heroine in the History of Western Storytelling
NEIL: Moe Pressman's wallet was stolen when he was playing Pinochle last night. It was in his jacket hanging on the back of his chair. He had it at 1: 30, and when he checked again at quarter of four, it was missing.
MAX: Vivian thinks she remembers this dance kid, Johnny, walking by. So, we asked him, do you have an alibi for last night? He says he was alone in his room reading.
NEIL: Uuuuh…there are no BOOKS in Johnny's room.
BABY: Look there’s been a mistake, I know that he didn't do it.
NEIL: There have been similar thefts at the Sheldrake, and it's happened here before. Three other wallets!
BABY: Well, I KNOW he didn't DO it!
NEIL: Stay out of it, baby.
MAX: Wait, don't put those tables together—come on!
BABY: Daddy, I need your help. I know Johnny didn't take Moe's wallet, I know.
JAKE: Oh, how do you know?
BABY: I can't tell you. Please, just trust me that...
JAKE: I’m Sorry, baby, I can't.
MAX: This Danis is pure protein.
BABY: Mr. Kellerman, look, maybe Johnny didn't do it. Anyone could have taken it. Maybe it was, you know, it could have been that little old couple, the Schumakers. I saw her with a couple of wallets.
MAX: Sylvia and Sidney?
JAKE: Baby, you don't go around accusing innocent people!
BABY: Yeah, but I saw them. I even saw them at the Shelldrake. Didn't you say something was stolen at the Shelldrake?
MAX: Got an eyewitness and the kid has no alibi. Come on, Neil. You'll learn what it's like to fire an employee.
BABY: Oh, Mr. Kellerman, wait a minute. I know Johnny didn't take the wallet. I know he didn't it because he was in his room all night. And the reason I know is because I was with him.
Dirty Dancing · Screenplay by Eleanor Bergstein
II. Baby Houseman: the Greatest Heroine in All of Western Fictional Storytelling
I told you I was telling the truth, Daddy. I’m sorry I lied to you. But you lied too. You told me everyone was alike and deserved a fair break. But you meant everyone who was like you. You told me you wanted me to change the world, make it better. But you meant by becoming a lawyer or an economist and marrying someone from Harvard. I’m not proud of myself. But I’m in this family too, and you can’t keep giving me the silent treatment. There are a lot of things about me that aren’t what you thought. But if you love me, you have to love all the things about me. And I’m sorry I let you down. I’m so sorry, Daddy. But you let me down too.